Friendship break-up: 5 hard reality checks about living abroad

As an expat, living abroad has been the catalyst for most of my friendship break-ups. 

When I first moved abroad 10 years ago I thought all my friendships would remain intact, if not stronger. After all, I had known most of my closest friends for years so surely moving abroad wouldn’t change anything. Well, I couldn´t have been more wrong. 

After a few years abroad I lost many friends. Way more than I expected. Although I made new friends along the way, I’ve learned the hard way some of the realities of being a long-term expat. Growing apart with some of my closest friends being one of them.

1. You’ll start growing apart from old friends 

Let’s start with the most obvious one. As you move to a new country, the distance will start to form between you and your friends, whether you want it or not. Though every friendship is different, after moving abroad I realized that some of my friendships became very superficial. In the end, I didn’t really feel like I knew some of my friends anymore. Though we kept in touch via social media or Whatsapp, it quickly became clear that a gap had grown between us. Over time, this made me more selective with the people I chose to keep in my life, instead of clinging to old friendships for the sake of it. 

2. You’ll start valuing quality over quantity 

I used to want to be everyone’s best friend. I’d spend countless hours over the phone, trying to be the most supportive and nicest friend ever. But I soon realized when I moved abroad that a lot of these friendships weren’t actually meaningful. Being surrounded by millions of friends used to reassure me. But when s*** hits the fan, you realize that there are only a few people you can rely on, especially when you live abroad. So learning to let go can be a real game-changer when it comes to long-distance friendships.

3. You’ll discover who your people are 

I remember feeling homesick during my first year abroad and needing my best friend’s support and her not being there for me. To be fair, I am not blaming her for it, but it did open my eyes. I used to think that because I had known someone for years it automatically made them my closest friend. But the thing is, some of the friendships you make as a child may no longer serve you as an adult and that’s ok. In some of my toughest times, I discovered that some of my most recent friends were actually more present for me than people I had grown up with. 

4. You’ll learn to deal with friendship break-ups

Whether you decided to break-up with a friend or they do, you´ll learn to deal with it and accept it no matter what. The best way to cope with breaking up is by facing the truth and asking yourself the right questions. Was this friendship just circumstantial? Did this friendship still make sense now? Did you feel like this friend really had your back? If all the answers are no, no matter how hard it is, you’d have probably made the right decision. 

5. You’ll discover the true meaning of friendship 

Last but not least, friendship breakups will remind you of the true meaning of friendship. To me, my definition of a good friend is not necessarily someone I speak to on a daily basis. Actually, what I found with some of my best friends is that no matter how long we go without talking, when we do it’s as if we had last spoken yesterday. Everyone’s definition of friendship is different but once you’ve understood what yours is, it will make it easier to take decisions accordingly. 

At the end of the day, even though I lost a lot of friends along the way, moving abroad made me realize that maintaining a life long friendship is hard, but definitely worth it.